i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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