my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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