so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
