Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
a bad idea.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush