Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
