her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"