Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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