I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
