Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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