who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
