I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
