I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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