I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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