how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
