mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
