this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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