you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
