i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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