Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
