I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
