I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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