I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
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I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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