someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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