Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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