you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
