i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
