Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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