I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
time to smoke my breakfast
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im part way to drunk.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
