So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
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It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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