so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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