Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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