i was born a porn star she said
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
vagina is talking i cant
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
