You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
