The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
