peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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