Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
