Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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