The best revenge is premature balding
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
