Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.