Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.