haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
