I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
