my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm like, not good at living.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
