So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
