WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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