I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
