and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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