i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
