The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
where does the pee come out of this thing
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
