i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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