clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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