Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
