how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
