If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
