where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
