I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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