Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
