You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
