I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
