he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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