All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
